And On....

Several years have gone by and I am feeling the need to tell more stories. I suppose I can let this blog be my memoir of sorts. 

I am now 66, and not long ago I celebrated 35 years of being clean and sober. I have drinking dreams sometimes, good reminders that I am an alcoholic. I'm in relatively good health; I've been doing well in some ways, got to take a great trip to New Orleans, but the last few years have been very difficult at times.

in 2022 my mother died -- on my 64th birthday. It really seemed like some kind of cosmic joke. Yes, she was 86, but it seemed like her health declined quickly. She was on hospice care for only a short time, and she died with her beloved cat cuddled next to her, in a facility near the Sandia mountains, which she loved. I wasn't there, as she was in New Mexico, but I had gone to visit her a few months before and was glad I'd seen her, in spite of some strained communication.

Two days after she died I took my kayak out on my favorite river.  It rained, I got soaked, then this gorgeous double rainbow gradually appeared.  It felt like a beautiful message from Mom; when my parents first moved to Albuquerque she'd sent me photos of rainbows, saying that they were seeing them frequently.  Shortly after my father died she looked at the mountains and saw a rainbow -- she felt it was a message from Dad.

Several months later, my sister and I flew out to visit our other sister in New Mexico, the first time the three of us had been together in years. We took Mom's ashes up into those mountains, knowing she wanted to have them spread near her husband's, like we did 22 years ago. We drove and drove but could not find the right location, then finally found a lovely spot in a cluster of pine trees where we said goodbye. 

But for me, the most emotional part of the trip was going to see the tree she had had planted in the Veteran's park in our father's name.  Twenty years ago it had been a little sapling, and there it was in all its red leafed glory.

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🌺

They say when the student is ready, the teacher appears. 

This has happened to me over and over again in my life. I have not always used the traditional AA sponsor, but have had professional mentors, therapists, friends, and all sorts of different kinds of help, some I can't easily explain. But I can say that change happens on the inside. 

I'll give an example. When I was learning to be a counselor (undergrad level) I was unsure if iI should reveal to clients that I was in recovery, or other personal things. What my supervisor said to me was 'check your motivations'.  Wow. That kind of wisdom is absolutely golden. So I learned to share when I thought it might help, at least in my professional life. 

To me, it's a matter of being open. I've been doing various types of meditation for years, not really formal, but lt includes guides recordings, reading spiritual texts or books, and listening to talks from spiritual teachers. I had an intense experience at a spiritual retreat years ago (sober) that has stayed with me.  Lately I found a woman who describes many of the inner changes and processes that I've gone through, and adds yet more layers of understanding.  Through her help I was able to let go of something I was very angry and conflicted about.

Another change has been in the area of being a single, non married (or even divorced) woman.  Maybe it's not as much of a stigma nowadays but for so many years it was very painful, feeling like there was something wrong with me for not being able to 'hang onto a man'.  I am aware that some of my singleness is or was from being a victim of rape, more than once, but there has also been sense that I need to be independent, that has only grown stronger as I've gotten older. I discovered this wonderful social scientist who writes about 'singleism' and people who are 'single at heart':  https://belladepaulo.com.  I think that's me.

I have joined an online group of people who feel the same, and it's been really life changing for me to drop that feeling that I'm missing out, or defective in some way.  This is the way I am and it's so freeing. 

Next:  Memories of crazy days